The Right To Go Insane
by Raidou The 16th
Summary: Oh, the feeling of having nothing to lose. Priceless.


How did it come to this...?

I asked myself as my sword slashed through more Shadow flesh.

Lost count of how many I killed, I did. Ever since Inaba... perhaps the world became enshrouded in fog, that is all I've done. It's been what...? One month? And I started questioning myself why.

Maybe just to pass time? I was unable to become a Shadow, in the first place... I was guessing it was because of my ability to brave the fog... that whole 'I am the one who opens doors' thing. Or maybe because I never had a Shadow. Or both. Or neither. But it didn't matter, because there I was, slaying Shadow, after Shadow, after eating what I could find in the empty houses, after fighting even more Shadows.

I got to a point where I couldn't find strong ones in town, anymore, and the weaker ones were afraid of me. So I have been able to get some sleep lately. But not dreams. I stopped having dreams a while ago... well, I spent a week without sleeping properly, so I guess I could say I haven't had a dream since the fog seeped into the real world.

What was funny. Shadows weren't the only enemies of my sleep.

Hahah. The Me back then...

I was despair, itself.

All my friends, the ones I fought to protect so hard, my family, everyone... gone. The world was gone. And I was just one, all alone. I tried to get in touch with the Velvet Room, but they'd left me. My journey had ended. Margaret even tried to leave and help me, but I was the final proof to the managers of the Velvet Room that humans were the epitome of hypocrisy, vanity, pride and deceit. If they were the guardians of the conscience, they've laid down their arms and deserted us.

But hey. I didn't blame them.

We... I failed them.

As the blackened Shadow blood turned to smoke and became one with the fog, I sat down on the grass and looked at the river. The constant growling of the roaming monsters did nothing to me, anymore. It became like the sound of cars passing by, something I could do nothing to make go away.

With a sigh, I raised my head and looked towards the sky. It was still bright out... as bright as it could be.

Where would I be staying today...? I could stay wherever I wanted. Where I laid my head was home, then.

Sometimes the owners would still be at home, even as Shadows. Not all people became monsters: some retained their human forms.

I'd be horrified by that, if I didn't already have to end each and every one of them... except Yukiko and Naoto and Teddie.

My friends.

Man, the screams. The cries... the new secrets, the things I've seen them do... if I had a heart disease, I'd have died a few times, already.

Yosuke, as it surprised me, was the most normal out of them. He still had jealousy towards me, he blamed me for what happened, he said he could do better if my power was in his hands, he lost everything because of me... and he did, indeed. I didn't think Shadows return that easily, so I put him at ease for some time.

Chie was surprising, for me. I found her and Yukiko together, fighting each other over what I've done. They weren't just fighting, though, but those were details that... ugh. I shivered at the memory.

The main thing about Chie was that she said she didn't need Yukiko for much more than her personal slave for social control, and even that game was ruined for her because of what I did. While the latter agreed with Chie on the first point, saying that she was fine playing social crutch, she also said that what I did made things much easier for her. So they argued on, and on, and on... Chie was the one who ended Yukiko. She attacked me right after and, well, there I was.

Kanji and Rise... what to say about those two.

They were together by the time I found them. Kanji didn't have doubts about himself, anymore, but about everyone around him. Rise wanted to clear those doubts from his mind, but in her way. The 'showing what she had to offer' way. She hadn't changed much since the TV world... Anyway, her methods were not working that well, and she was getting rather desperate. When they laid eyes on me, Kanji blamed me for betraying his trust and Rise blamed me for taking away the people who'd give her the much craved attention.

The joke made itself back then, but only recently did I manage to laugh at it.

Kanji was the toughest out of all of them. Rise was the most annoying out of all of them. That fight didn't turn out so well. But I survived. They didn't.

Sigh...

I never found Naoto, but I guessed she was attacked and killed as she called me for the last time. But I dunno... she might have been lurking out there and I didn't know.

And I never saw Teddie again. He was probably at the TV world... well, the TV part of it.

I ran a hand through my hair and released some air.

Lost count of how many I killed, I did.

And again, I questioned why.

Because it was fun? Because it helped me release the anger I've been carrying for so long? Because I had nothing else to do?

I remembered when I decided to stop crying and decided to look on the bright side: being able to do things I've never had the chance of doing before. Such as killing weaker Shadows by whipping them with wet towels or putting up funny traps.

Until I became angry with everything and then myself. Shadows did not taste like chicken. I was that angry. The blood that left my forehead might have been tainting some walls, as well, still.

And then, I kind of had nothing to do. Literally. I'd lost everything, there was nothing more for me, or anyone else. I didn't know what I was doing, why I was doing it...

The fog fit me.

I guessed that was where I belonged... in the fog. In the end, now that I looked at myself, I didn't think I really felt anything else, anymore. I had my memories, but... all I was, all I felt and all I've know was invalid then. What I was disappeared along with the sky and the sun. What could I feel then...? Pleasure and pain. Simple. And even the pain was starting to fail me, sometimes... and the pleasure, too.

Goddammit...

Oh, the feeling of having nothing left to lose. I didn't think my mind was there, either. I may have lost it a while ago, too.

I looked at my sword.

What would be more boring? Living or dying?

Tough question.

And another question.

I looked back on myself: I had who I was, I had people who could look at me and tell me who I was to them... I knew who Yu Narukami was.

Have you ever been in a dark room for so long that people could call you something else and you wouldn't mind?

Who was I, then?

I honestly thought I'd end myself if I ever lost everyone, but... there I was.

What made me go forward?

What made me be?

...

I held my breath and tried to focus through the constant murmuring of Shadows.

I heard a low chuckle.

When I turned around to see what it was, it was too late.

A sword was already being held to my throat.

Red hair, weird grey eyes, a cross shaped scar, a sickening, crazed grin and now, a mad full blown laughter.

Yep, I was dead.

"Hahahah! I bust my ass trying to find you, and when I finally do, you've already become a yellow eyed disappointment... You're pathetic through and through, ain't you?!"

...

Oh. That explained it.

At least I'd die with that doubt cleared. Too bad I'd go without knowing that guy's name.

"Well, it doesn't matter, anyway. Any last words?"

Most kind of him. "Who are you?" I asked, nonchalantly.

He laughed, but I never got to hear his answer.

* * *

 **I dunno, man, just a thing. I was bored. *hangs head* Review box below, even though you prolly won't use it, Raidou The 16th, thinking whether I approve this message or not. Later.**


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